It’s a Celebration!!

Every year I think about making this post, and every year for one reason or another I talk myself out of it. Not this year. Not this year because it is the 9 year anniversary of something that I am incredibly proud of, and something that I am even more grateful for now than I was then.

Nine years ago, I left an abusive relationship. It was not physically abusive, instead it was psychologically and emotionally abusive in so many ways. This type of abuse was never talked about when I was younger so when it started showing up, I didn’t recognize it. If he’d hit me, I would have left, plain and simple because I knew what that was. I didn’t know that lying, gaslighting, manipulating, coercion, and controlling behaviors can also be abuse. I didn’t know that someone could change so drastically in the span of a year and go from being what seemed like the perfect partner to something so far from it that it gave me metaphorical whip lash. I tried as long as I could to hold onto the hope that things would go back to the way they were, but what I came to learn was that the way things were was never the truth and that the way things had become was my new reality.

It was during this relationship that I found my refuge in writing. The Second Chance series was a product of that time. I didn’t know that it would eventually be a four book series with a prequel novella, I didn’t know that it would even be published at that point. All I knew was that on the days that I sat down and wrote, I felt better. I felt as if nothing could bring me back down. I was putting on a brave face for everyone, at that time there was maybe one or two people who knew the full extent of what I was going through. It wasn’t until I acknowledged the abuse for what it was that I could share my truth and try to escape it.

The best way that I found to describe it was that he took the best parts of me, of who I am, of my personality, and used them against me. There was a time when talking about this felt cathartic, now it just feels like I’m revisiting a place that is so foreign that it’s hard to believe it was ever my life. Most days it feels like an entirely different lifetime and I don’t feel like giving him any more of my energy in even thinking of the past.

I had help in leaving, A LOT of it! I understand this isn’t the case for everyone and I acknowledge how fortunate I am to have had that help. I had a supporting family and an amazing group of friends and co-workers that helped me through that time. I had counselors at my daughters school who helped me get in touch with the women’s shelter in my area, but, most importantly, believed me. I had a literal small army help me move mine and my 3 kids’ things in less than 6 hours. I had a manager at my part time job who let me come use the phone when we weren’t even open to contact the women’s shelter because my phone was not safe for me to use. At that point, he was checking the bill on a nearly daily basis to see who I was calling and texting. Coworkers were telling me about these random threatening texts they would get, I finally put two and two together and realized it was him.

I got myself a new phone with a new number for valentine’s day that year that he knew nothing about. I had to hide it for five days. I still remember the immense amount of anxiety it gave me. Not to mention the anxiety of planning my escape without him finding out. The day I left I had the worst stress migraine I’ve ever had. Then, as I sat in the office of the women’s shelter doing intake paperwork it suddenly subsided, as if by magic. In reality, I just felt like we were finally safe.

That was just the beginning though and the next couple of years still had their rollercoaster moments. I never went back to him. There was never even a thought of that, but I still had to see him and communicate with him about our son.

So, why am I telling you all of this? Well, in part because I am happier than I’ve ever been. I have an incredible, amazing husband that shows me love and patience and is literally the best human I’ve ever met. But mostly because I want to share my story so that if there is someone out there that is going through something similar they can know there is help, and to have hope. Hope of getting out and having a better life was something I wasn’t sure I could believe in while I was in the midst of it. I felt so guilty for leaving, for giving up on the relationship, and most of all for putting my kids through all of that.

He blamed me leaving on another guy, he told me I’d never find someone who would love me, he told me so many things that it took a very long time for me to disprove. It was always about me and my kids, about getting us out of that jail dressed up like a home with cameras and a security system that was put in to make me feel safer, but in reality became my warden.

If any of this sounds familiar, know that there are so many women and men who understand, know that there is help, that you don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Reading can be a wonderful momentary escape from an abusive relationship, I did that too, but it doesn’t fix it. Do what you can to get through it and then get out of it.

I’m sending you all virtual hugs, thanks for letting me get this one out and here’s to the next nine amazing years to come!!!

Much Love,

J.S. Wik